Over the last two weeks, I feel like I have remained relatively quiet about my cancer survivorship. As I mentioned in Cancer Survivor Playlist #1, I needed some time to reflect on this important period of my journey. I still continue to reflect... I do continue to write and post about other topics however I needed some time to reflect specifically on being a cancer survivor is quite different. I think that the songs on my Cancer Survivor Playlist #1 express some of my feelings best. Gratitude, pride, relief, blessed, strong, bold, anxious, excited, scared... I felt these things and more.
My therapist asked me what is it feel like to be a cancer survivor? I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. Although I know that papillary thyroid cancer has a very high survival rate, I still feel greatly affected by this life experience. I was always aware of my own mortality, or so I thought, and now I'm even more aware and greatly appreciative of each day and every one and every experience. I have a new sense that there is a brevity to life and that each moment should not be taken for granted. I feel a sense of urgency to accomplish my dreams and not to put things off until tomorrow. I feel like I faced death, or at least had a touch of it, which caused me to love my life even more.
On Saturday, July 23rd, when I received the news that R&B singer Amy Winehouse died, I thought it was sad. However the very next day, again after watching clips of her last concert in Sarajevo, I became quite upset. This twenty-seven year young woman was visibly dying and suffering from her illnesses and addictions and not getting the help she needed. I had a hard time watching it. I felt disappointed and disgusted that somehow I became a spectator to her deterioration. I wondered why no one intervened or stopped the concert. I feel she may have been alive if she got the help she needed.
On Tuesday, July 19th, I learned that I am cancer-free. I am alive because I received the help I needed. From spiritual help and guidance to prayers and faith, from cancer support centres, workshops, and classes, from my physicians, counsellors, and surgeons, from family, friends, and strangers,... I am truly blessed. I had a community of interventions at various levels. I also love and value myself enough to seek this help.
As a result, I do not want to waste any time. It is so important to me that I truly live life and pursue my dreams. The Country song by Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying, comes close to summing up my feelings. Changed is my workaholic approach to tackling obstacles and goals. That workaholism does not help me. However, I will use my driven, tenacious, ambitious, and passionate nature to nurture myself. I have learned the importance of being kind to myself, rest, relaxation, restoration, and reflection. Achieving goals means nothing, if I do not care for the most important person-- and that's me. When I love me and care for me best, I can then help others better.
Like some thyroid cancer and other survivors, I felt some guilt at different times for having a cancer experience that did not involve such challenges as going through bouts of chemotherapy, mastectomy (removal of breast), hairloss, infertility, paralysis, extended hospitalizations, expensive and complex surgeries, life-saving treatments that could also kill, excruciating pain, and other side effects. However I continue to meet and read books by cancer survivors which teach me a lot about these types of experiences. For example, Crazy Sexy Cancer author Kris Carr has been diagnosed with a stage 4 inoperable cancer but did not have to undergo surgery, chemotherapy or radiation. While Jim Bedard, author of Lotus in the Fire: The healing power of Zen, went through a very risky and lengthy treatment program which involved pain, transfusions, bone marrow transplant, numerous radiation and chemotherapy programs, and surgeries. In Everything Changes and other books, I learn that some cancer patients have recurrences or even die while in treatment.
Despite this, I have decided not to rank cancers. There are hundreds of cancers in the world so of course our experiences and treatments with it will all be different. The impact that this disease can have on one's life is devastating. I also become very frustrated when mostly older people have said to me that you got the "good cancer" or the "easy one" or "you're young". Isn't that terrible? These are the types of comments which make it harder for thyroid cancer survivors to speak up about the life-changing impact that this disease can have on their lives. I have received e-mails from readers and met thyroid cancer patients who are SCARED, TERRIFIED about what is to come. Thyroid cancers can have their own complications too. Many survivors come from cultures or families of origin in which it is not encouraged to discuss cancer or sickness.
Cancer is a beast! But cancer also can be a teacher if you let it. Kris Carr calls cancer her guru. Sickness, death, and suffering are all part of the human existence. It is inevitable. Having had cancer is kind of like getting a dose of all these things. So be it. Axé! Now God let me learn from this experience.
I decided to create a list (I love lists) and I changed the name for copyright purposes, calling it Funky Sexy Manifesto or my Survivor Resolutions. I was inspired by a young woman survivor I met (she was my roommate) who created a blog called 100 Cancer Resolutions. It is her "record of my commitment to doing everything I took for granted before my diagnosis". She reflects on each one. I loved this idea so much that I created my own list. (So far I have about 31 resolutions.)
Some cancer survivors and patients express that they want their life to return to normal after treatment. Some survivors do not change their routines, work through diagnosis by choice or by obligation, and look at cancer as a "blip" in their plans. How each survivor looks at their experience is a totally individual thing and there is no right or wrong way. I don't want a normal or "my normal" life. I seek a "new normal". My life will never be the same thanks to this experience with cancer and I wish to live better for it.
So I am embarking on a life as a cancer survivor or a Thry'vor. Carpe diem!!!
Funky Sexy Manifesto # 5 Become A Capoeirista
My Funky Sexy Manifesto: Survivor Resolutions
My Survivor Resolutions were created the day after I got my cancer-free diagnosis. It is my list of things that I just can't wait any more. (I refuse to wait to do any more.) Some of them are a little crazy and others more sane. For the case of privacy, and because I work in the public sector, I have chosen not to post some of these resolutions. (I am a teacher. All the media needs is another teacher scandal.) However, my resolutions are legal. (Wink! Wink!)
As promised, I am inspired to write about these Funky Sexy resolutions.
#5 Become a Capoeirista
After a meeting for writers a few months ago, I became inspired with an idea for an Afro-Brazilian story. Given that I have never been to Brazil or Africa and I do not speak any Portuguese, I very much wished to learn more about this culture. What do I know about Afro-Brazilian culture? My fiance has been playing classical Brazilian guitar as well as maracatu percussion for almost four years now so between his performances and the music around the house, I know a bit about Afro-Brazilian culture but not enough. I felt, to write a story based in this culture, I needed to immerse myself. So I decided to do some research.
Enter C A P O E I R A!!!
I've been mystified by Capoeira for many years. Long since the mystery of lore, it lured me in with its hypnotic and repetitive rhythms, it's roda (circle where the game is played), acrobatic dance-like movements, and haunting Yoruba melodies. The instruments of used in this martial artform are of African-origin and look ancient. They have names like pandeiro and berimbao. Experienced capoeiristas are strong and very in-shape.
I very muched wanted to be around it. Yet, I was intimidated. About ten years ago, I attended one capoeira class where all the students looked professional, no one took the time show me the moves, and it required a bus, two subways, and a streetcar to attend. Then, I moved a few years later to a much closer capoeira school. This capoeira class was walking distance from where I lived yet it was extremely intense. I was expected to "follow along" and with no instruction left the class sweaty and sore.
So then years later, this summer, I decided to attend a class at a school. This time, the instructor took me aside and gave me stuff that I could work on. Given that it was not that long ago (a month ago in fact), I struggled to keep up but I managed to complete repetitive moves with some modifications. I learned how to jinga with some degree of coherence.
I visited another location of the same school and again found that the instructor took time to show me the moves. Refreshing! I decided to stick with it.
I like how Capoeira makes me feel-- like a strong, limber, sexy warrior princess. I feel like I can take anything on. I feel confident and poised. Although at first I was quite worried about my energy level and keeping up and there are times when I felt quite winded, I have grown to appreciate the "little, slow steps" and progress that I am beginning to make. Capoeira takes an incredible amount of upper body strength and some flexibility too. It's an amazing workout. I am getting a little more confidence when I get into the roda (circle) each time. I want to learn how to do a hand stand and the splits and perfect my cartwheel.
Roda Feminina 2007 from Brazil
I am practicing kicks and learning Portuguese words for moves. I am learning the instruments (s-l-o-w-l-y) and can hum to the songs sung in call and response in Yoruba. I don't know the words yet but I'll learn.